Slow Fashion October: a late introduction

It's taken me almost the entire first half of this month to gather up the courage to write this post. Let me be perfectly clear: I love Slow Fashion October and all that it stands for. I think Karen Templer is brilliant, for pulling this community together and giving us all a chance to add our voice and story to this complex (but oh so important) topic. And deep down, I truly believe that this conversation should be an inclusive one- there is room for everyone here, whether you make your own jeans or are just beginning to think about where your clothes come from and where they're going after you're done with them. 

Most of us I'm sure, fall somewhere between those two ends of the spectrum. It was in my early 20's that I first started thinking about who made my clothes and how they were treated in the process. I remember I made a commitment to only purchase second hand clothing for one year and around the same time I learned to knit. Slowly my wardrobe evolved and eventually I started investing in well made pieces of known origin, either from small independent makers & designers or from brands offering transparency and trying to find a better way in this industry. My making also evolved as I graduated from knitting simple accessories to more complex garments, and figured out which handmade items would fit well into my life and style. I learned more about how yarn is made and made purchases accordingly. The more I learned about the world of "slow fashion", the more confidence I felt in the items I owned and wore, the more momentum I gained in talking about this topic. I helped organize clothing swaps here in Marburg, worked to increase awareness for known origin clothing and started my #wearhandmadeproject to encourage myself both to wear the handmade items I already owned and to consciously think about how the items I was making would fit into my life.

And then came last October. I was so excited for Slow Fashion October to kick off and wrote this post with the best intentions. But I had just found out about my pregnancy (we took that photo the actual day we found out for sure) and I was dealing with major first trimester hormones. I spent most of that month eating cereal on the couch and watching Modern Family with Waldi, fighting nausea and leaving the house whenever he was cooking something so I wouldn't have to smell it. There was no knitting or mending being done and I took a backseat and didn't join in the conversation much at all. 

Over the next weeks and months as my body grew a baby, I struggled with what to wear. Honestly, I don't know if maybe I just had the wrong kind of clothes to begin with (since many women never really need maternity clothes) but I really struggled to make what I had work. I borrowed items where I was able to and even made two dresses that worked with my growing belly but I have bought more new clothing in the past year than I did in the five years previous to that. And I felt guilty about it. 

Of course, you do not need maternity jeans or nursing tank tops to successfully have a baby but I was so grateful to have them. In the end, I felt proud of the small maternity wardrobe I built for myself from borrowed and new items. I plan, of course, to wear it all again should I have another pregnancy and to lend out what I have to friends, should they be in need of it. 

And then came postpartum. 

I've written about this before, but I struggled with unexpected body issues both in pregnancy and post birth. Those early weeks and months postpartum, I really struggled with how unrecognizable my body felt to me. Nothing fit anymore- my maternity jeans were too big, all my other pants too small and when I finally could fit into some of them, they were so completely unflattering. And so once again I found myself buying new clothes. I tried where I could to make ethical purchases, but that didn't always happen. 

Enter this year's Slow Fashion October (I know...finally!)

I've been hesitant to enter this conversation because, while so many people have grown and made improvements since last year's event, I have gone in the opposite direction. It would be easier to just let this all pass me by and not think about it. 

But if I truly believe that there is room for everyone in this conversation, then I guess I have to speak up and share my story too. Because this issue is still important to me, although this year of my life has looked different from any before it. I still want to make better choices, to wear my clothes with confidence and to feel good about where they've come from and where they're going. And deep down, I believe that this shouldn't be about guilt.

And so, I'm joining in and adding my voice, in the hopes that I will learn something and maybe encourage someone else along the way. These photos are from our time on the Isle of Skye- I'm wearing my Lesley pullover that I made last summer from yarn my grandmother purchased years ago but never got around to using. And I'm wearing the first pair of jeans I bought postpartum- a fast fashion purchase but the first pair of pants I found that fit and were actually flattering to my new body. It's all a mess and a bit of a contradiction but it's where I'm at. And I'm not going to let guilt stop me from taking part in this discussion or making better decisions in the future.

I'll stop there for today because this is turning into a serious ramble but I do have one more post planned on this topic, to discuss Karen's weekly themes: long worn, handmade and known origin. And there are some projects in the works which I'm sure I'll share about at some point. But for today, it just feels good to get all this out. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. AND make sure to check out the conversation surrounding Slow Fashion October either over on Karen's blog or the hashtag on Instagram (#slowfashionoctober)

FO: vanilla latte socks

So I shared about these socks over on Instagram last week, but the story really is just too good, and I thought I would post about it here as well:

This spring, I made myself a pair of vanilla latte socks. I had a skein of Madeline Tosh sock in the cove colorway, from a project that I frogged several months before and it really seemed a shame not to try making socks from it. I cast these on back in March and worked on them mostly in the last weeks before Caleb was born. They were the perfect mindless knitting project- easy, but interesting enough thanks to the beautiful tonals in the wool. 

Something funny happened along the way, however. I cast off the first sock shortly before my sisters came to visit me back at the end of April and took a break from the project while they were here. Two weeks later I cast on the second sock and was happily knitting away when I noticed that it seemed to be knitting up quite a bit smaller than the first one. Here's a photo of both socks in progress from instagram:

Anyhow, this had me majorly confused. I kept comparing the two socks to each other and was completely mystified that the width could be so different when I had the same number of stitches, using the same needles & wool. But I continued anyhow, and finished my second sock about a week before C was born. I then put my socks in the cupboard along with my other pairs of handknit socks and forgot about them. 

About a month and a half later, I pulled them out to show my mom the pattern, as she was looking for some ideas to make knitting vanilla socks a little more exciting. I wanted to suggest this pattern along with a few of my other favorites (Hermione's Everyday socks & the blueberry waffle sock pattern to be exact..) I was absolutely shocked by what I found: 

The photo basically speaks for itself but I used two COMPLETELY different patterns on these socks. The first one (on the left) is the vanilla latte sock pattern. The second is something that I apparently made up. It's similar enough- garter stitch rib, but the numbers are completely different, and the result is a much smaller, tighter sock. 

Now, I assure you, I had ample opportunity to notice this, as like I said, I kept taking the first sock out to compare with the second as I was knitting, and spent many a moment pondering what could be going wrong with my gauge. Major pregnancy brain moment!

At first, I was thinking about unpicking one of them to get a matching pair and posted over on Instagram to get your advice on which one I should keep. The response was overwhelming- almost everyone advised me to keep both socks as they are, as a memory in years to come. 

So I decided to take your advice- both because I like the idea of having this memory, but also because it meant that I could already cast on my next pair of socks, which, I assure you, I wasted no time in doing. 

pregnancy favorites- the second half

so I never quite got around to posting this before C was born and then I completely forgot about it. When I saw it saved in my drafts the other day I decided to post it anyways, without editing anything. Funny to read it through now that my pregnancy is over, but I still wanted to share so here it is: 

I shared a list of pregnancy favorites several months ago, in my second trimester. Though most of the items on that list are still staples for surviving pregnancy around here, I thought it might be fun to share some other items that I've discovered since then, particularly those which are helping me survive these last few tricky weeks. so here we are- one more list of pregnancy favorites!

lavender oil & bath salts

I've long been aware that the scent of lavender can help you to relax and even sleep, and these last few weeks I've started relying on it pretty regularly. On days when it feels impossible to get comfortable, or when I'm having trouble sleeping, I've started taking baths with lavender salts or massaging my feet with lavender lotion. Even if it doesn't fix all sleeping discomforts, it's a lovely scent to relax to. 

raspberry leaf tea

this was one of several home remedies recommended to me to help my body get ready for childbirth. I've been drinking a cup every day for these last few weeks and though I can't be sure of course that it will make any difference, it feels good to have some sort of way of preparing. I know a lot of women don't much care for the taste of raspberry leaf tea but I quite enjoy it. As the weather warms up, I'm planning to try it iced using this recipe. 

maternity dresses

So as much as I loved my maternity jeans & leggings, these last few weeks I've been living in dresses. They're just what's most comfortable at this point. I have a few maternity dresses as well as some non-maternity dresses that still fit, and even one dress I made myself from an old dress I didn't like and a white tank top. These have been life savers now that the weather is warmer and my belly is so big!

childbirth classes

my natural tendency when learning something new is to read ALL the books I can possibly get my hands on. And while I have done my fair share of reading up on child birth, it was our birthing classes that really helped to calm my mind and make me feel informed. 

a good set of thank you cards

Baby Werwai has been so spoiled already by friends & family from all over the place. It's been great to have a stack of thank you cards at the ready so I can send them out now, before he arrives and everything else gets pushed to the back burner. These (shown in the photo above) were designed by my sister. 

prenatal yoga

I loved my prenatal yoga classes and though they've been finished for quite awhile now, I was able to create a short yoga routine for home practice that I've used pretty consistently. It's been great to help keep me active and feeling connected to both my baby and my body.

nursing pillow for sleeping

this has been a serious life saver. I honestly don't know why I waited so long to order it- seriously. I picked a nursing pillow that is a little larger (like most are here in Germany) so that I could use it to help me sleep at nights, and it sure has helped me get some much needed rest.

Nameberry.com

Although we had our list of top names pretty quickly, I enjoyed browsing through this website for ideas and looking up the meanings of names we both liked. It can be easy to fall down a rabbit hole though and start considering names that aren't even on our list! 

5 little things: the waiting game

so things have been pretty interesting around here for the past days- or pretty uninteresting. It depends on how you look at it. 

we're in the midst of waiting for our little one, and while there's no way to tell if he'll arrive in 2 days or 2 weeks (or the next few hours...) we've been trying to go about life as usual. 

I do not do well with unknowns. I mentioned in my last post that it's a funny feeling, knowing that you're about to give birth and become a mother because you can't really prepare for it. I feel like I have all this time on my hands and yet I'm not really able to use it to prepare as I would like to. Of course there are things that need to be done to get ready for baby...but once those things are done, there's nothing much left to do but wait. 

or at least that's how it feels. 

so here are 5 little things that I'm filling my days with to help me enjoy this crazy and exciting time in our lives and this pregnancy.

1. reading on the balcony

this has been a seriously welcome part of my daily routine. For several years we lived in an apartment without a balcony, and now that we have one, I'm using it to it's full advantage. Every morning I sit out there for an hour or so, with breakfast or a warm drink and read a little. I've been reading books about parenting and childbirth but also this and this, with this up next. 

2. neighborhood walks

for the last week or so, I've really enjoyed going on nice, rambling walks around our neighborhood. I've explored some new streets and wandered without destination, but we're lucky enough to have a bakery, farmer's market and a park with a coffee cart all within a short walk's distance from our apartment. I've been enjoying heading to one of these spots to buy fresh flowers, or croissants, or sip cappuccino with Waldi. 

3. educating & preparing myself for childbirth and baby

so obviously I've been doing this for a lot of my pregnancy, but it's been good to use these last few weeks to squeeze in a bit more preparation. I've deep cleaned baby's room and done lots of adorable laundry. We've packed our bag to bring to the birthing centre. I've been filling up our freezer with healthy meals and snacks for after baby's arrival. 

I've also been getting my body ready for childbirth by following a few tips I got from my midwife and birthing class. This has mostly involved diet (raspberry leaf tea anyone...?) as well as some massage, breathing and exercises. I've also been reading a few last books and even watching some Ted Talks about parenting and childbirth. Mostly I try and do all this with an open heart and mind, since I know that baby will come when he's ready, no matter what I do, and his birth will be what it is, depending on him and me and many other factors I can't control. But it still feels good to do something.

4. writing things down

I've become rather quiet and introspective in the last few days. I suppose my mind and heart are just preparing themselves for what's ahead, as is my body. I spend a lot of time wondering what our baby will be like, how the birth will be, how Waldi will be as a father... it's overwhelming at times. I'm trying to document some of it in journals and our baby book and a little on Instagram (or this blog), because even though I'm not always finding this time easy, I know that in a blink it will be over. And I want to remember feeling this way.

5. trying to relax

this is a big one for me. I'm focusing on taking it slow and not giving in to anxiety or worry, which some days feel like giant tasks. Mostly I've been enjoying being at home together with Waldi, cooking meals, watching Netflix, or talking about our little one. I've been working on a few projects- mostly socks, as that's serious comfort knitting for me, but also some crochet coasters (pictured above) and dishcloths. Mostly I'm just trying to take things one day (or hour...) at a time and go from there. 


Also, I realize that over the past few weeks, this blog has been completely overtaken by posts about baby... it's just such a huge change and sometimes it feels hard to talk about anything else! My crafting and knitting has absolutely decreased in the last little while, but I do have some projects planned for the summer and hope to share more craft related goodness soon! If you're still reading, thanks for sticking with me through this time of transition. 

full term!

so we made it! currently I'm 38 weeks along with Baby Werwai, but this photo was taken several weeks ago, at 36 weeks. We're feeling all the feelings around here and trying our best to wait patiently. 

up until these last few weeks, I had been feeling really good and had lots of energy but I've definitely noticed a shift in the last little while. We're nearing the end and my body is feeling it. 

That being said, I'm enjoying these last few days and weeks of getting ready for baby, giving in to a few last pregnancy cravings (potato salad and radishes anyone..?) and trying not to worry about all the last minute details. It feels to me like giving birth and becoming a mother are things you can't really fully prepare for, but that's not stopping me from deep cleaning baby's room (again), filling up our freezer with meals, and packing (& re-packing) our birthing bag... 

baby, we're as ready for you as we'll ever be. 

can't wait to hold you in our arms.

for those for whom it's hard

so. Mother's Day.

ooofta. I am feeling all the emotions today. 

for the past 3 years, this day has been agony for me. I've written about this before but I spent two years desperately wishing for a baby, trying to be patient but feeling the pain of unfulfilled longing all the same. This time last year, I was recovering from my miscarriage and wondering if I would ever get the chance to be a mother. 

And then there's today. 

I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant with this darling baby of ours. And though today is different than the last three years, I'm reminded of the pain of my younger, previous self. And I wish I could go back to those other Mother's Days and buy her flowers. 

She would of course have protested. But I'm not a mother... And to that I would say that this day is for all of us with that mother's heart- whether we have babies here or in heaven or in our dreams for the future. 

Maybe, some might say, that's not the point. But I think a day like today should be radically inclusive in it's celebration. Because, after all, isn't that the essence of a mother's love? Inclusion and nurturing of even those parts of us that cause the most pain?

Today more than ever I am aware of the incredible gift this baby is to our family. And I wish all stories would come to a conclusion like our's. But the truth is that it was hard to get here. For me it took three years. I don't know how long it might take for you. And for that I'm sorry, dear one.

So today, if you're struggling with an unfulfilled wish for a baby, if your mourning the too-soon loss of your little one and wondering if you can still call yourself a mother (the answer, by the way is yes- absolutely) I hope you have someone to cry with. To make you breakfast and buy you flowers. 

And if you don't- then these flowers are for you. May you somehow experience a glimmer of hope on this difficult day. 

just a note: I'm aware that there may be any number of reasons why this day is a hard one for you that I've not mentioned above. This is just my story. But if that's the case, then these flowers are for you too. And I'm sending a virtual hug your way. 

a week with my sisters

this past week my sister & (soon-to-be) sister in law were here visiting Waldi & I (and Baby Werwai!) from Canada. It was an amazing fun-filled whirlwind week and today I wanted to share a few photos from our time together here on the blog. 

These last few weeks before our baby is born are quickly dwindling down and we're getting so excited to meet him. But we sure are enjoying our last few pre-baby adventures. I so loved having my sisters here for these precious days together- it's a time I know I'll look back often on. The part where they leave is always hard and all of yesterday I was thinking about them on their flight, landing home at the airport (the smell of Tim Hortons in the air...) and feeling so homesick. But I'm so thankful for every day we had together. Until next time girls! 

Here's a brief look at what we got up to in the last week!

 breakfast & pedicures in the Oberstadt (the old part of the city) to welcome them to town.

an impromptu photoshoot on the way to the movies...

on the Saturday I had a joint baby shower with a friend. So much decorating and so many delicious treats! I can't believe how special it turned out, and it was amazing to have so many of my friends & family there to celebrate our baby. 

 we spent the mornings leading up to the party decorating & baking, picking up fresh flowers from the market and re-arranging our entire apartment to accommodate all the guests. What an amazing feeling to have a house full of women to celebrate with us. It was quite simply overwhelming! 

I never could have pulled it off like this by myself so thanks girls for all your help! 

sunny Sunday afternoon walks while visiting some of the surrounding villages with friends.

 buying friendship bracelets & lunching at a favorite cafe 

 despite the not-always-cooperating weather we had to fit in a little sight seeing: the Elisabeth Kirche & Marburger Schloss are simply must-sees. 

 an amazing birthday breakfast of Dutch Babies cooked by Waldi, decorated by Beth and cleaned up by Abby...I didn't have to do a thing and felt so spoiled! 

goodbye dinner out with friends. delicious food & warm enough to sit outside! 

also:

this trip was basically brought to you by the letter B: birthdays, baby bumps, breakfasts, bakeries & Birkenstocks- both girls bought their first pair...

love you girls. come back and visit us soon! 

(photos are a mix taken by all three of us, plus Waldi)  

the f-a-t word

so let me start by saying that pregnancy is amazing. as someone who has dealt with waiting and loss to arrive at this point, I wouldn't let myself forget this for one day. 

the moment you pee on that stick and see those two blue lines staring back at you, everything changes, you become a mother and your body takes over in an amazing way. 

for real. 

somehow, while you sit on the couch eating cereal and listening to podcasts your body is growing a person. and that little person is getting everything he needs to survive from you.

and the truth is that there is no way to describe this except to say that it's amazing.

but, as always, truth is a tricky thing to pin down and there are more sides to this story. because it's also true that there are parts of pregnancy that are not so glamorous. the fact you can't properly reach to shave your legs. the leaking boobs. the feeling of utter loss of control as you put on weight.

people tell you you look beautiful and sometimes you even believe them. you put on that maternity dress and pose for your husband to take yet another belly photo so that you can remember the magic of this time. because you are feminine and sexy and amazing. and your body is growing and sustaining life. 

but there are other times. times when in the privacy of your own home, you can't help but cry over your changing body and the lack of control you seem to have. when you catch sight of your profile in the mirror and are absolutely shocked at the appearance of the woman looking back at you. when you delete those photos (they made you look fat) and cry on that husband's shoulder because while it is amazing, this is also so hard. 

I must admit that I wasn't expecting to feel like this. While I had some weight-related insecurities in high school (what teenager doesn't?) I have, in the 10ish years since then gotten into a really good rhythm with my body. I feed it well and balanced and try to stay active and for the most part, we seem to get along just fine. so I thought, naturally that pregnancy weight-gain just wouldn't be that big of a deal.

and sometimes it's not. Like always, I eat well and stay active and mostly revel in the amazingness of what's going on inside me. of course there are aches and pains and general uncomfortableness but this was all something I expected, and after waiting and hoping for this pregnancy for so long, they aren't really things I choose to spend a lot of time dwelling on. 

but being pregnant has reminded me just how much I enjoy being in control. I love my little type A goals and to-do lists. I like measurable outcomes. and the little house guest who has currently taken up residence inside my body doesn't seem to be taking much notice of this. I am putting on the weight and this is inevitable.

I do not think a pregnant body is an unattractive one. and I forgive the people who take one look at my belly and comment on its size. But summer is coming - it should arrive with the birth of our baby, and I've long since abandoned hope of fitting into last year's warm weather wardrobe. 

So I am writing these words partially for my pregnant self - because it's a part of this journey I want to be honest about. But I'm mostly writing it for my future postpartum self - because I want her to be able to go back and read it in writing:

you are not fat. and you will be kind to yourself this summer. you will wear shorts and eat ice cream on the balcony and maybe even eventually go swimming because it's hot here and there's no reason to deny yourself these pleasures. 

because your body has shown up for you when you most needed and wanted it to. it has sustained you and this precious bundle of a baby for these 34 weeks and counting. and I know it will be there at the end, doing its best to help you bring this baby into the world. 

and the only appropriate response is to be kind to it.

knitting for littles

I've been working on putting this post together for awhile. These past few months I've so enjoyed working on little knitting projects for Baby Werwai- I keep finding great patterns to add to the list! So, though I'm sure it's not a complete list, I thought I would share today in case any of you are looking for cute little baby knits to make up for your own little one, or to give away. 

one thing I will say is that knitting for baby certainly makes one feel like a very productive knitter. the projects are so cute and tiny they seem to just fly off the needles! 

so here are some of my favorite projects so far:

Stripes Raglan Pullover // pattern // my project

I so loved working on this pattern and am thrilled with the results (pictured above). I went for neutral grey & white stripes but am debating knitting up some more in larger sizes using other colours. So many options! 

Purl Soho Garter Earflap Hat // pattern // my project

Although it's a little big, this turned out lovely (also pictured above). I used a thicker baby merino wool from Rico that I've had in my stash for almost a year and the result is a super squishy, warm hat that will be perfect for the cooler months, once baby is a little older.

Tegan Top Knot Hat // pattern 

This was a super quick and satisfying knit. I used a ball of self striping baby Regia wool I picked up at a yarn shop here in Marburg. I'm thinking this might make the perfect hat for baby to wear home from the birthing center...

Annabelle Babe Cardigan // pattern // my project

This lovely little cardigan designed by Carrie Hoge was one of the very first things I knit for our little one (pictured above). I made mine using Quince and Co chickadee in the lichen colorway and love how it turned out! I've still got to add some buttons (I'm thinking little wooden ones?) but since I knit it in the 3-6 month size, I've still got a bit of time. 

oh baby! baby booties // pattern 

these are my favorite baby booties. I've made them for countless nieces & nephews & babies of friends over the years and it was so much fun to knit them up for our own little one. 

baby moccasins // pattern

I made these ages ago, well before I was pregnant, using some cotton I had left over from another project and they are just the sweetest. Simple and straightforward and oh so lovely. 

simple bias baby blanket 

this is another project I made ages and ages ago. I've been using it as a small lap blanket for the past few years, but it's the perfect size for a stroller blanket once the weather cools down and we're out and about with baby. I improvised mine, but this pattern is very similar to what I did.

crochet nursing necklace

This project was a bit of a last minute whim but I am so in love with how it turned out. I mostly improvised it, but this tutorial is very similar to what I did if you're curious!

cotton seed stitch blanket

this is another improvised project (pictured as a WIP below). It's a similar size to the other blanket I made but a little thinner for our little June bug. You can see a ton of progress shots of this blanket on my Ravelry project page.

and here are a few last projects I'm hoping to get to in the next few weeks:

Brambles Bear // pattern 

this is just the cutest. I've got the pattern downloaded and am just on the lookout for a soft wool in the right color. 

Birds of Happiness mobile // pattern 

I've been debating what kind of mobile to make for the nursery for what feels like forever. Originally I thought I'd make one with little felt animals, but I saw on Ravelry that people had been making mobiles out of this pattern and I just love the idea! I've got so much leftover sock wool that would lend itself perfectly to this project, so hopefully I can get started soon!

Teddy Bear rattle // pattern

another crochet project, this is just too cute. Hoping I have time for this one! 


Whew! That was a list... Even so, I would of course love to hear any pattern suggestions you have for knitting for littles. And if you're looking for more inspiration, you can follow my Pinterest board dedicated to this topic. 

pre-parent life

As we get closer and closer to our little one's due date, I find myself reminiscing about our life as two. Attempting to soak up these last few weeks together while they're here. Of course, we couldn't be more excited about our growing little family but the truth is that I have loved the season we're in right now- the people we are right now...pre-parent Waldi & Ruth. 

It's interesting to think that we will never again not be parents. That's certainly how life is- things move forward and change, often in a way that lingers on though many months and years. So I guess we are simply trying to enjoy our last pre-parenthood days. Because the fact is that everything is about to change. It's a good change- the best kind, even. It's the change we've talked about and longed for and planned around for months and even years. And in so many ways, we couldn't be more ready for it. 

Of course, it's already begun. We've found a new place to live that has space for our growing family. Our decisions are already being made as parents- what we do with our money, how we spend our time, what I eat... so much of this is now done with baby in mind. But soon this change will be final and complete and that will be that.

We will not be Waldi & Ruth anymore- or at least not only that. 

Since we found out about this pregnancy, we've been trying to intentionally enjoy moments together. We've been on day trips to neighboring cities, gone for brunch, and tried out new-to-us restaurants here in Marburg. We've been to the movies and the theatre, and spent weekends wandering through the Flohmarkt (flea market), coffees in hand. We even took a little mini-vacation back in December. These are all simple things, and probably even things we'll do after the baby is here, but it will be different. We will be different.

And for now I want to remember how it feels to be pregnant and together and excited for what is to come. I want to remember slow Sunday mornings, cooking breakfast at home with all the time in the world. I want to remember walking to our doctor/midwife appointments together- talking about our baby, stopping at the Farmer's Market or the bakery for a snack and just generally taking our time. 

Because in just a blink (or 2 months...) this time will be over and we'll be up to our necks in a brand new season. And while we'll be gaining so much as our family grows, it still feels like the end of an era. 

And that's always a little bittersweet. 

hello 3rd Trimester!

so, I pretty much can't believe we're already into the 3rd Trimester of this pregnancy! Less than 3 months and Baby Werwai will be joining us for real. I'm mostly just trying to enjoy this season and everything that comes with it- collecting things for baby's room, knitting little booties & sweaters, laughing with Waldi at the antics of our little acrobat.

Of course, at times it's so overwhelming to think about us (US?!?) becoming parents. On the one hand, it's difficult to prepare for a change like this, but at the same time it feels like exactly the place we should be. I wonder if all parents-to-be feel something similar? Excitement and anxiety and love and wonder and fear all mixed up into one bundle of emotions...man, life can sure be crazy. 

We've been enjoying feeling (and watching) our baby kicking away, especially in the evenings (when it's time to go to bed of course..) and debating and discussing names. Slowly I've learned baby's routine a bit, and I'm just trying to enjoy these moments as much as I can, without worrying too much about all the unknowns in the future. 

I've started to read up a little more on the birth and we're excited for our birthing class that starts at the end of the month. I'm a little nervous about learning all this in German but the support of both Waldi and the midwifes at the birthing center here has been keeping me calm and making me feel like I can handle it. I've also been taking a prenatal yoga class for the past few months and I don't think I've ever looked forward to Monday evenings so much in my life! It's been a really great chance for me to focus on my body and breathing and to really take notice of all the amazing changes currently going on. I still am amazed that my sweet little baby is getting all the necessary nutrients and support needed to grow and develop and live these months through my own body. 

Aside from some lower back pain I've been feeling pretty good. Just trying to stay active and eat healthy and take the time to rest when I need it. 

Also I've been knitting up a storm for our little one. There's nothing like making tiny sweaters and hats and booties to make you feel like a productive knitter- the projects are practically flying off the needles. I'm planning to share a whole list of my favorite baby knits so far that will hopefully be ready to share soon! 

March's Quote

At the start of each month I pick a quote that applies to what I'm experiencing or focusing on at the time. You're more than welcome to join me on your own blog. If you do, please leave a link to your post so I can see the quote you choose!

Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition
-Steve Jobs


I stumbled across this quote on Pinterest a few weeks ago and it's something that really spoke to me in this season of my life. With pregnancy & motherhood come so many new decisions and experiences, so much learning and growing to do. And it seems to me that everyone has an opinion on everything- from childbirth to sleep training to what sort of changing table you should buy...So I'm keeping this quote in mind as we make the best and most informed decisions we can, keeping in mind what fits well for us and our growing family. 

pregnancy after miscarriage

This post has been a long time coming. It's been sitting in my unpublished drafts in some form since June, because I'm scared silly by how personal it is. But there are three things that helped me recover from my miscarriage: time, my closest support team (Waldi & my mom) and hearing the stories of others who had suffered something similar. When we lost our first baby, I too felt lost- disoriented by the fact that we don't really have a ritual in our culture to mark the passing of babies through miscarriage. Writing down my story has been so healing for me- it has given me a way to mark the passing of our first little one. I don't know how many people will read this, but if it encourages even one mama in a similar situation then it's worth it. 

As I write this, my baby is roughly the size of a papaya, healthy and happily floating around somewhere inside of me. And though I’m so grateful for this pregnancy, so thankful to finally be here, I must admit that my journey towards motherhood and to this moment has not looked the way I expected it to.

I took my first positive pregnancy test last April. For two years prior to that, I had carried with me the overwhelming wish to become a mother. Though I had known my whole life that I wanted to have children, in those last two years that desire took on a life of it's own. It was so fierce it hurt.

I spent those years in a country far from home, wrestling that mother-desire with patience and congratulating my friends and family on the many babies they had been busy making. I was that one childless married woman at baby showers, mothers gathered around talking about pregnancy and childbirth, someone inevitably turning to me at some point to ask what it was I did. What was it that I did? I was biding my time. 

So. That positive pregnancy test felt to me like the end of a long journey to the beginning of something beautiful. We'd finally made it, thank you, and we were so excited to be there.

If you're doing your math, it isn’t hard to see where this is going.

It happened somewhere between ten and twelve weeks. The heartbeat was there- I’d seen it, but then it wasn’t. We spent the night in emergency and when we left the next morning the clump of cells we had thought was our baby had been sucked out of me, the bottom of our world sucked out from under us along with it. We stood alone on the curb and called a cab to take us home.

Of course, everyone told us not to worry. It’s not your fault. You can try again soon. And though I loved them for saying it, it was hard advice to take. Because lying there, bleeding out the remains of my first baby, I can tell you that a second pregnancy was the last thing on my mind. And regardless of where the fault lay, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel somewhat ashamed.

It’s only after you suffer a miscarriage yourself that you realize how many women are walking around with those same battle scars. Many suffer quietly because it’s not polite baby shower talk, but that pain is very real. Ask any woman who has had a miscarriage how old her baby would be now and there’s a good chance she’ll know.

My baby would have been two and a half months old.

Eventually in time, we decided to try again, and were very thankful when I peed on that second positive test, just six months after the first. But here’s the thing about pregnancy after miscarriage that no one warned me about: everything is different.

The memory of my first pregnancy is marked by an overwhelmingly innocent joy. After those years of longing and dreaming, I threw myself into it with arms wide open. I am currently 26 weeks with my second baby and I still wake up many mornings afraid I’ll find blood. I am terrified of bad news every time we visit the doctor, even while I hold on to those appointments like some kind of desperate lifeline. And it's basically impossible for us to talk about this second pregnancy without speaking of the first. 

Sometimes when I mention it, people tell me not to think too much about that first baby. I know they mean well and mostly I try to follow their advice. I sing to this new baby, write it letters. I fell in love with it the moment I knew it was there. But I cannot rewrite that first loss. No matter that my heart has expanded to love this second baby, just as my body is expanding to bring it into this world. The miscarriage is a part of me now and I will carry it with me as I continue on this journey towards motherhood.

Because, like I said, my road toward motherhood has not looked the way I expected it to. And though I don’t know your story, don’t know the journey you’ve been on to make it to where you stand today, I’m sure at times it wasn’t easy. Because really, when do things go exactly as we expect them to? I sometimes look at other mothers- the ones with no morning sickness, multiple healthy babies and shiny happy Instagram accounts and think about how great life must be for them. But the truth is that there are probably sharp corners and dark places on their journeys that I know nothing about. And somebody else out there may be thinking something similar about me.

This thing we call motherhood is so much bigger than any one story and there are so many different roads that lead towards it. We, as mothers, are connected by the love for a child- whether unborn, stillborn, newborn or all grown up. And isn’t that where motherhood exists? Between the overwhelming beauty and, at times, deep pain of this love? Today, I hold onto the hope that there is room within it for my story- room for every story that begins with mother love. I don’t get to choose my road to motherhood. All I can do is walk it free of shame and with my head held high because it’s the road I’ve been given.  And mama, please know that however painful or unexpected your journey has been, there is space for you to do the same.