for those for whom it's hard

so. Mother's Day.

ooofta. I am feeling all the emotions today. 

for the past 3 years, this day has been agony for me. I've written about this before but I spent two years desperately wishing for a baby, trying to be patient but feeling the pain of unfulfilled longing all the same. This time last year, I was recovering from my miscarriage and wondering if I would ever get the chance to be a mother. 

And then there's today. 

I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant with this darling baby of ours. And though today is different than the last three years, I'm reminded of the pain of my younger, previous self. And I wish I could go back to those other Mother's Days and buy her flowers. 

She would of course have protested. But I'm not a mother... And to that I would say that this day is for all of us with that mother's heart- whether we have babies here or in heaven or in our dreams for the future. 

Maybe, some might say, that's not the point. But I think a day like today should be radically inclusive in it's celebration. Because, after all, isn't that the essence of a mother's love? Inclusion and nurturing of even those parts of us that cause the most pain?

Today more than ever I am aware of the incredible gift this baby is to our family. And I wish all stories would come to a conclusion like our's. But the truth is that it was hard to get here. For me it took three years. I don't know how long it might take for you. And for that I'm sorry, dear one.

So today, if you're struggling with an unfulfilled wish for a baby, if your mourning the too-soon loss of your little one and wondering if you can still call yourself a mother (the answer, by the way is yes- absolutely) I hope you have someone to cry with. To make you breakfast and buy you flowers. 

And if you don't- then these flowers are for you. May you somehow experience a glimmer of hope on this difficult day. 

just a note: I'm aware that there may be any number of reasons why this day is a hard one for you that I've not mentioned above. This is just my story. But if that's the case, then these flowers are for you too. And I'm sending a virtual hug your way.