one word for 2019

oh 2018, you were a YEAR. 

While there was so much good that happened this year, I honestly can't say I'm sad to see it go. 2018 has been one of the most challenging years for me in a long time. My word for last year was sustain. I remember landing on this word this time last year with the best of intentions. I started a lot of new things in 2017 (most notably perhaps a new job and a business in the span of a month- phew!) and I really wanted to dive deeper into those things this past year and focus on getting them to a healthy place before starting anything new. 

What I failed to realize is what an active word sustain is. What started out as an intention to slow down and dive deep into what mattered quickly turned into a lot of striving and pushing to make things happen. A lot of scrambling, if I'm being honest. And a TON of hard work. Honestly, I worked harder this year (in many ways) than I ever have before. Unfortuantely, I worked hard trying to "sustain" things that were often out of my control and the result is that I am no where near where I'd hoped to be at the end of this year. 

In addition to this, I often felt this past year that I was sabotaging some of my happiest moments- by not being present, by allowing my anxieties to get in the way of my joy. (Thanks to Brene Brown's excellent book Daring Greatly this is a tendency I've been cautiously aware of in myself for a little while now. More on that here, if you're interested)

So as I began thinking through a word for this next year I was very aware that a few things need to change. First of all, for the past few years I've chosen verbs as words and this was the first obvious shift for me. This year I really want a word that focuses less on what I can do and more on who I am. I want a word I can really crawl inside, inhabit and be (not to be overly dramatic here...) 

So moving forward, my word for 2019 is whole. In a personal sense I want to re-connect with who I am and focus on getting myself into a more healthy mind space, on being my "whole" self, if you will. I'd like to confront some of my anxieties (and areas of avoidance) head on and really deal with them. Practically I'm planning to focus on both my physical and emotional health and have a few ideas I'm excited to move forward with. I'd love to focus more on "whole" foods, or plant based eating, as well as learning to embrace the fact that I'm a WIP and that there's beauty in that whole process of becoming more fully who we are. I am hoping to use the word to explore deepening my connection to the planet and have a few concrete goals on how our family can continue learning how to treat it with a little more kindness.

And finally, from a business perspective, I'm excited to work on building a foundation for us moving forward by really looking at the whole picture, and not being bogged down by the every day challenges that go with running a business. Honestly, I think this was what I was aiming for with last years word but I went about it in all the wrong ways. I'm thankful for the chance this year to experiment, to get a few things wrong and to learn these valuable lessons and can't wait to apply them moving forward. 

Of course this past year wasn't all bad- there were some seriously wonderful moments, very valuable lessons learned, and memories I'll honestly cherish for years to come. I feel like much of this year was about exploring. We traveled a ton, mostly in connection to our Canadian summer, but we also took a few trips around Germany and of course, visited Iceland. I experimented with learning a few new crafts and took several workshops (both online and otherwise) which was one of my goals at the beginning of the year. And we tried a whole bunch of different things with r&s yarn (with varying degrees of success, but always with equal amount of heart). 

All in all, I feel quite grateful looking back. And relieved to be moving forward. Wishing you all the best for 2019. 

Some of the year's highlights include: 1) our mini vacation to kick off the year in North Germany with our best friends 2) a wonderful week-long visit from my dad to celebrate my 30th birthday in the Spring 3) our whirlwind 5 days in Iceland which I can honestly only describe as EPIC 4) arriving in Canada just in time to celebrate Caleb's 2nd birthday with all my family (including my brand new baby nephew!) 5) flower school with my sisters (which also represents all the time I spent in the summer creating just for fun and taking some of the pressure off of my creative-self) 6-7) our road trip up to Haida Gwaii (and back) which was not only an incredible adventure but also represented a real emotional turning point for me this year in getting some of my priorities straight 8) a spontaneous trip to Seattle with my mom & sister 9) and finally, launching Homestead this Fall, which was the bright spot in a rather difficult few months and a true labour of love that I couldn't be prouder of. 

Make 9 2019

bringing back the blog for one of my favourite times of year (which in German is so aptly called "between the years") - these slow, reflective days just before the year turns, which I use to look back on this past year, as well as plan and dream for the one ahead.

 Last year for the first time I decided to participate in the Make 9 challenge. At the beginning of the year I picked 9 projects that I wanted to make (in my case, mostly knit) for my handmade wardrobe. In the end, I didn't get even a little bit close to finishing this project. I ended up with 4 finished items for myself (not counting hats and socks) and two of these weren't even on my original Make 9 grid. But what did happen through my participation in this project is that I got waaaaay more intentional about what I was knitting. I knit from my stash, including a few lonely skeins that I was really unsure how to use. Even the two projects that were rather impulsively cast on (my Tegna and Arboreal) were still carefully considered as I had to remove a project from my Make 9 grid each time to accomodate the cast on. The result is that I'm happier with my finished items than I've been in awhile. 

And so it only seemed natural to me to continue on with this format for 2019. I thought through the items that were left on my grid at the end of this year, and picked a few to carry over, while letting go of some others. Then I thought through the current holes in my wardrobe. For me this is summer tops that I love and feel comfortable in, and basic, workhorse sweaters for every day wear. With this in mind, I've created a loose Make 9 for 2019, with more summer knits, basic sweaters and a few shawls just for fun! 

I suppose I should mention that I didn't include any socks here- but that doesn't mean I won't be knitting them! Socks are a HUGE hole in my handmade wardrobe and I've always got a pair or two in the works in the background, I just decided to go ahead and leave them off this list. I've also got a few projects (commissions, samples & gifts mostly) that I'll be working on this year that will take precedence to the Make 9 projects, so we'll see how it goes! But as I said above, I'm honestly not concerned at all about finishing all these items- I'm more concerned about making within the guidelines that they provide and keeping the mindfulness I was able to introduce to my knitting life this past year. 

So here's my Make 9 projects for this year:

1. Weekender Sweater (designed by Andrea Mowry & knit in Homestead, the new base from my own little company, r&s yarn!)

I've already cast this on (this morning actually!) and I'm super excited to have this basic, staple, every day sweater in my wardrobe.

2. Stokur Shawl (designed by Melody Hoffman)

This is a carry-over from last year's Make 9 grid. As much as I love triangle shaped shawls, I tend to wear longer, wrap-style shawls a lot more frequently. I love the simplicity of this design as I think it will make it easy to wear, without of course being plain. I'm thinking of trying out Tukuwool Fingering (which I've been dying to get my hands on) but I'm stuck on a color!

3. Lucinda Pullover (designed by Carrie Hoge, from Madder Anthology 2 and knit in Moeke yarns Elena)

I've just finished the body on this and am about to separate for the sleeves. While in Canada this summer, I decided to purchase a sweater's quantity of Elena for my only stash enhancement and although it's a bit thinner than the yarn the pattern calls for, I really thought they would be a good match. Fingers crossed I can get the fit right on this one!

4. Something from the Making Stories Stripes collection! (pictured here is the Stripur pullover)

This photo is a bit of a placeholder as I've not yet decided which of the designs I'm going to make from this collection first. I plan to make both Stripur, the pullover pictured here as well as the Rayure pullover at some point. Though I'm thinking that I might end up doing Suora or Juova this year (both tops) as that will help me fill out my wardrobe hole a little better. I'll be definitely using Lino Muka linen yarn for either of those tops, and for the pullovers would probably pick the Silke Tweed from Magazin Duett. But again, this is a bit of a wildcard pick so I'm going to have to consider it a bit further.

5. Telja Sweater (by Knit Love Wool, shown here knit by Colleen of Postscript Love in Lettlopi)

While in Iceland I purchased a sweater's quantity of Lettlopi to make this sweater in a very similar color palate to Collen's version pictured above. I'm excited to turn this very special yarn into a sweater that will remind me of our trip, though I don't think I'll be getting to this project for quite a few months yet. 

6. Plumetis Shawl (by Melody Hoffman)

While on the hunt for a project to use up a lonely skein in my stash I stumbled upon this shawl and fell in love! The skein I was hoping to use up is an off-white skein of Manos Del Uruguay Milo, a mix of wool & linen. I think it will pair perfectly with Purl Soho's Linen Quill, which I'd love to get a skein of this spring while in New York. So I can use up my stash as well as add in a skein of souvenir yarn, which feels like a double win.

7. Bobbie (by Pam Allen, knit in Quince & Co Willet)

I've honestly loved this design ever since it was first released a few years ago, but I must admit that I completely forgot about it. I'm mostly drawn to the woollier, cold-weather knits and this pullover just wasn't on my radar. But I'm glad I discovered it while going through my Pinterest boards to create this grid, as I think it's the perfect transitional piece and will help me add another summery top to my wardrobe. I'd really love to knit this in Willet, which is Quince's line of cleaner cotton (most likely in Mast & Windlass or Sail) so hopefully I can get my hands on that somewhere here in Europe!

8. Sauvabelin (by Jessica Gore, knit in r&s Origin)

Another carry-over project from last year's Make 9. I really really want this sweater, so I'm hoping I can carve out some time to knit on it once we get our shipment of Origin 2.0 sometime in 2019. 

9. Solano (by Stella Egidi from BREEZE, knit in Wollen Berlin's Lino Muka Lithuanian Linen yarn)

Ever since I first visited Wollen and saw their linen yarn line, I've wanted to make a sleeveless top. It's just taken me a bit of time to pick which one! I think I've settled on the Solano tunic, but I KNOW I've settled on the colorway Yellow Ochre for my top. I've excited to knit this up hopefully in time to wear all summer long! 

PS: I know there are no links in this post, but all these designs can be easily found through a Ravelry search. Also, if you're curious to see what else I knit in 2019, you can do so here.

one word 2018

I love the calm, coffee-soaked days between Christmas and New Year’s. Days spent cozying up at home, reflecting on the year that’s passed and planning for the one to come. I’ve got a few exciting goals & projects planned for 2018 and I’m so excited to see how they turn out. One of the practices I most look forward to is picking a guiding word for each year. 

Last year I really struggled to pick a word. For the first time ever, January began and I still hadn't decided. The truth is, at the beginning of this past year I didn't have the faintest idea where I was heading- there was no flicker of a vision or direction on the horizon. I was feeling lost both in my role as a mother and my place in this corner of the world I currently call home. I not only did not know where my path was leading- I could not see the path. In the end I chose the word GROW because I knew I wanted to move forward, even if at the time I was completely unsure what that would look like. 

In some ways GROW was a good word- I certainly grew a lot. I watched my baby grow into a toddler at some point over the last 12 months (HOW did this even happen..?!). But during the course of the year, it was the word PURSUE that resonated. It chose me. This year was an incredible adventure of putting myself out there, taking risks and going after the things I wanted. From something as simple as starting the book club I'd always wanted to be a part of, to making new friends and digging deeper into a community here, to of course launching r&s yarn and taking on a new job.(much of this last point I owe to my work with Making Stories, as I shared over on IG here) 

This year’s word is SUSTAIN. I’m excited to see how this theme plays out over the weeks and months ahead and already have goals set in line with it. In 2017 I added a lot of new things to my life both personally and professionally, and now is the time to really sink into those things, to make sure that I'm able to sustain them all in a healthy way for both me and my family. This has a lot to do with time management, obviously but also with finances and self-care and mindfulness. 

Another angle on this word that I'm excited to explore is the whole sustainability aspect. In 2017 I had a lot of discussions (and learned a ton) about environmental issues. I've set a few very concrete goals for our family to hopefully reduce our ecological footprint and live with a little more kindness to our planet. I'm super excited to unpack this a little more over the next few months (probably via Instagram). 

So welcome 2018. I sincerely wish you all the best for this new year!

Raincloud and Sage yarn

so big news to drop today: I am starting a yarn label.

For the past several months, I've been working quietly but diligently behind the scenes on my newest creative venture- r&s yarn. I'm very excited and completely scared out of my mind to finally officially announce it with you all today. 

Honestly, the idea for this yarn came about quite organically- I wasn't exactly looking for this opportunity. But once we did dream it up, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. It's scary because I don't exactly know what I'm doing and I'm having to learn a TON each step of the way. It's exciting because, well honestly? It feels like the perfect place for me to end up in this season of my life and fiber journey. 

So what will r&s yarn look like, you ask? We hope to offer *very* small batch farm yarns 100% grown, spun & dyed within 50km of where I live in central Germany. This year there will be two bases of woolen spun yarn available, in two different undyed colorways as well as limited edition, one of a kind, naturally dyed skeins. R&S yarn will be run by myself and my good friend Marty, with a focus on partnerships with other creatives and fiber folk.

Our yarn will launch in October. Until then you can stay updated by following us on Instagram (we're @raincloudandsage over there...) or signing up for our newsletter via the link on our website: raincloudandsage.com. Over the next few weeks we'll be sharing more of our origin story, as well as behind the scenes peeks at our process AND of course, any updates on when our shop will be opening. 

I'm so excited about this venture and I hope you'll come along with us for the journey. Thanks as always for stopping by this little space of mine. I'm glad you're here. 

What I Know to be True: Part One

At the beginning of April, I started in on the #100dayproject with 100 days of writing. Now, full disclaimer: I definitely fell hard off the bandwagon on this one. I wrote daily for about 40 days and now manage something every two-three days. But still- that's much more than I was doing before and there have been some fun things that have come out of doing this project.

One of those has been this new series that I started sharing on Instagram, which I'm calling What I Know to be True. These are basically just thoughts on things I've learned or what I'm currently working through, shared with some sort of photo that I otherwise probably wouldn't post. It's been a fun challenge and though I always feel a little vulnerable before posting one, the response has been so kind and heartwarming. Today I just wanted to share a little round up of these post here, mostly for documentation's sake. 

So here are the first 4 posts in the series:

1. Everything is a season. EVERYTHING. I know it feels like you will never sleep through the night again, but this is just not the case. One day these nights of rocking baby back to sleep will end and your arms, much as they ache now will be empty again. Give yourself fully to this time. Savor what you can. You've got an infant who insists on racing towards toddlerhood and you could never stop him if you tried. This is right and good. The seasons are sweet, swift and at times, devastating. Summer's relentless heat eventually burns off into glorious autumn if you just wait long enough. But there's no need to worry about that in the spring. Let me let you in on a little secret: this season, this one right here and now, is the best one, because it's the only one you've got. So take a deep breath mama. Pour yourself that second cup of coffee and soak up the sweet spring sunlight. I know you're tired, but you're doing just fine.

2. Brave isn't always loud. Sometimes of course, it is. Sometimes it's standing on top of the mountain you've just climbed, arms outstretched, sending your ideas out into the world. But sometimes it's the hard and heavy work of plodding along the trail day after day. Showing up when the summit is far FAR from sight, when there are blisters and hunger and even boredom to contend with. Sometimes it's not getting discouraged when others pass you on the way, though they may have started out on their journey much later than you. Because sometimes brave looks like letting yourself work at your own pace. Sometimes brave can even mean backtracking. A wrong turn here or there, a creative venture that just didn't work out. In these moments brave looks like learning from mistakes, like taking a few steps forward and then a bunch of steps back until you reach a place where you can move forward again. Because behind all those heart-pounding-palm-sweating-adrenaline-pumping moments is a lot of work and (more often than not) one heck of a long journey. And there is bravery in the quiet of placing one foot in front of the other.

3. You cannot do it all. 
Last week someone asked me how I managed to stay on top of everything. My first response was obviously to laugh but honestly...? It felt good that I could be mistaken for someone who manages to do it all. Because the truth of course is so much messier. Most days I feel pulled by both my ideas and my responsibilities in a million different directions and sometimes it feels like I’m not doing a good job of much of anything. Somehow it becomes so much easier to focus on the things that I’m NOT doing (or what others are doing) rather than keeping my eyes on the task at hand. There’s a fine line to walk between inspiration and overwhelm. At times it can feel like my to do list and ideas are literally laughing in my face while I fight against the clock and struggle to do some form of deep work before the baby wakes up.

Yesterday during naptime I gave myself permission to drop a few things from my list. One was a new idea for a project that I came up with last week and literally could not stop thinking about. The other is something I’ve been dragging around since the Fall that I’ve just not had the time to get to. The first one I’ve moved to the backburner and the second I just finally let go of. It’s amazing how much better I feel already. Rather than making elaborate schedules and lists, trying to fit everything in, I now have more time to work on the things that really matter- the things I WANT to pursue. It’s just not possible to do ALL THE THINGS and that is more than okay. So pick a few things and stick with them. Do them well.

4. It's rarely too late.
In the last ten years I’ve done and been many things, reinventing myself and reorganizing my life to fit around what I’m currently pursuing: I’ve been an English tutor and then a language student myself. I’ve been a youth worker on the streets of East Vancouver, a part time student with no finished degree, a barista in a coffee shop. I’ve had a brief stint as a (mostly unsuccessful) fundraiser. I’ve played jazz saxophone. I’ve been a closet poet and then a performance poet. I’ve opened an Etsy shop and then closed it again. I’ve started and written three different blogs. I’ve published knitting patterns and made so SO many projects- some that have worked and some that have not. I’m currently in the process of beginning one of my greatest creative journeys yet which, if I stop and think about too much, completely freaks me out.

On the one hand this is all completely discouraging. I look back over the past ten years and see, for the most part, a bunch of started and then abandoned pursuits. But this has been my journey. It’s been scattered- a bit of a patchwork mix and match of different things, but it’s also been a lot of fun. I’ve enjoyed every single one of these seasons and I’ve learned so much from each. It would be amazing to be able to say one day that all these things led me to one perfect thing but I don’t know if that will happen.

What I do know is that it’s rarely too late to give something new a try. All you need is a little courage to start and perhaps, the willingness to be a beginner again.

(you can follow along with this project over on Instagram under the tag #whatruthknowstobetrue) 

a journey into knitting sweaters

I would love to call myself a serious sweater knitter. But the truth is I'm just not there yet.

Throughout my knitting "lifetime" I've knit four sweaters. (For myself- I've also knit a baby sized sweater and cardigan for C, but I won't touch on those today.) It's not a lot, believe me, I know. And it's nowhere near the number I'd planned to be at by now. 

But in looking back at these sweaters, there's a real journey- a story of my growth and improvement as a knitter. I thought I'd share a little bit more about each of those sweaters today: the good and the bad, the mistakes made and lessons learned, the serious successes. 

So without further ado, here are the four sweaters I've knit:

Pattern: Oatmeal sweater by Jane Richmond. 
(see my Ravelry Project Page here)

Yarn: Lion Brand thick & quick in the Oatmeal colorway

date made: December 2013

mistakes made & lessons learned: oh the mistakes I made with this sweater... I did not understand about gauge and the finished sweater (although you can't tell from the above photo) was so SO tight. I also didn't understand about substituting yarn and the yarn that I chose was not the weight that the pattern called for at all. So I learned a lot about the importance of these two elements in a pattern. However, this pattern is clear and concise and really helped me understand the technique to knitting a top down sweater and for that I'm grateful! 

final verdict: I didn't wear this sweater so I frogged it last summer. 

pattern: Lila by Carrie Bostick Hoge 
see my Ravelry project page here

yarn: Drops Lima 

date made: January-February 2015

mistakes made & lessons learned: I really really enjoyed knitting this sweater. I don't think I've ever taken as many WIP photos as I did with this project because I was having such a blast that I wanted to document every stage of the process. This was my first bottom up sweater and again I learned so much about sweater construction while knitting this. This was also my first try with short rows- they turned out quite sloppy actually. As did the neckline and the spots where I joined the sleeves at the armpits. I also didn't do a great job of finishing this and it's quite obvious where I wove in my ends. So I'd say I definitely learned about the importance of finishing. 

final verdict: I actually wear this sweater quite often, despite my sloppy knitting. I did the best I could at the time and am actually quite proud of the result. I wear it mostly with dresses or skirts but occasionally with jeans and a long top. I'd like to reknit this in a different yarn, maybe from the top down and add a bit of length to the body.

pattern: Lesley by Hannah Fetig (from the book Home and Away)
my Ravelry project page here

yarn: aran weight yarn from my Grandmother's stash

date made: July-August 2015

mistakes made & lessons learned: I LOVE this sweater. Not only was it so fun to knit while home over the summer in Canada but the end result is by far my most successful sweater. This was a retry of the top down raglan sweater style and I really hit my stride with this project.

final verdict: Though it's a little bulky I do wear this in both the Fall and early Spring where it's warm enough to go without a jacket but some extra warmth is still nice. I'd like to make a sweater like this again with maybe a dk weight yarn...

pattern: Tamborine by Julia Farwell Clay (from Pompom Issue 12)

see my Ravelry project page here

yarn: Cascade 220 Heathers (colorway Purple Brown)

date made: Winter 2015-2016

mistakes made & lessons learned: This was for sure my most challenging sweater project. A cardigan with embellishments and set-in sleeves, which were totally new to me. I'm very proud of this sweater, though I did make a few mistakes- the seaming on the sleeves isn't great and is quite visible when I don't wear my hair down to cover it, haha. Also I need to re-block this as the button band still rolls and a few of the button holes are missing (I blame pregnancy...) 

final verdict: I knit this in the first few months of pregnancy and by the time I finished there was no way I could button it up so I never sewed on any buttons. Though I do like wearing it open, I think it would be nice to have the option to at least partially button it (from the top or bottom...both sound fine) so I'd really like to get to that. 

Alright. There you have it. It's been over a year since my last sweater and I honestly don't really know why. I will say that I struggle with yarn affordability and access here in Marburg. But I'd really like to make plans to knit a few sweaters coming up. Top of my list is the Rosemont Cardigan (also from Home and Away) and a Fort sweater for Waldi. I'd also like to try Strokkur as my first serious colorwork project and (although it's not exactly a sweater) I'm also loving the Kinton top for Spring. 

motherhood and creativity

Recently I've been completely overwhelmed by all the ideas swimming around in my head. I've got exciting plans and dreams and goals that I'm hoping to work towards. I could spend hours devoted to the projects I've dreamed up in my mind. 

I remember long, coffee-soaked, solitary creative mornings. Writing and knitting and scheming. I felt proud of the work that I did and I enjoyed the process of following my creative whims wherever they took me. 

But this is not the season for that. This is the season of playing on the floor, of long walks pushing the buggy, of holding a baby wide eyed with wonder up to the window to see the birds. 

Of course, there are moments of creativity snapped up here and there- nap times, and evenings, moments when papa takes over. But I always feel like this is borrowed time- snatched and stolen and frantically running out. I multitask a mile a minute in order to get to as many things as I can.

And that's not all that conducive to good work. 

And so. I've decided to arrange childcare. It's minimal- a few hours of babysitting a week, while I work away in the other room. It feels indulgent and sacred and glorious all at the same time. I know it will take me much longer to plod through that list of ideas than it would have previously, but like I said, this is not the season for that. 

my baby will be a baby for just this short amount of time and I don't want to miss that while trying to do ALL the things. But I'm also learning that it's more than okay to do some of them- it's good even. Important. This is the balance that I've found for me and my family- something that every mother (and really, every creative) has to figure out for herself. It looks different for everyone and that's okay- we're all doing our best and that is more than enough. 

So hopefully you'll see some big things from me in the next year. Watch this space.